The Big "C"

I originally wrote this in June 2013 and posted it as a "note" on Facebook. I have had several tests since I wrote this and I am, currently, cancer free. I thought it was pretty good, so am re-posting it here.
Some things are shared on Facebook. Some very personal things - births, deaths, joys, sorrows, sickness, health, marriages, divorces, political things, nice things, mean things, strange things, wonderful things and there are things we hold back. At least I held back. Some of you know and some of you don't know. I had to decide how I was going to deal with this myself before I let everyone know.
I have cancer. I had a mammogram and then a biopsy and then "we see something and want to get it, oh, and a lymph node," and, "we found stage 1 breast cancer." *Deep breath* Okay, so that was a shock. I am very lucky because it was very small and they got it very early. I will need radiation for 6 weeks and some pill for 5 years. Yeah, I know, 5 years. I am told I have the same life expectancy now as I had before the cancer find. I am still going to have all kinds of tests, like the "Angelina Jolie" test to see if it is possible to have it again and some other test on the tissue. I can't remember what they are all called because they all sound so bizarre, like made up words.
I thank you, those that have and those that now will, for the prayers, good thoughts and positive energy to the universe, on my behalf. I do think it helps.
Probably everyone reading this has lost someone to this crappy cancer. I have lost my stepfather, my brother, very dear cousins and very dear friends. That is what we all think of when someone tells us...cancer.It has been an emotional roller coaster. Two surgeries in two weeks and another one today. I have been out of work since April 26th. Every time I think I am going back to work - I have to have surgery. Right now I should be back to work on July 1. I am glad I have had my school work. I am getting a Masters in Theological Studies (Biblical Studies). Most people find it hard to believe. No, I am probably not going to "do" anything with this. It is for myself. I have been able to ponder upon many subjects of this course of study including the nature of God, God's love, God's plan and all that. It is a lot more complicated than you may think and raging debate among theological scholars. It is sort of like taking a poetry class and never wanting to ready poetry again because of all the analyzing (well, maybe that was just me, but you know what I mean. I also came close to that when analyzing a movie in film school). However, it has made me think of many things. Including my mortality.
One of my favorite TV shows (Babylon 5) comes to mind. The hero makes a huge sacrifice to save the universe by giving his own life. He wakes up in a cave with a strange alien. The hero is confused on where he is and what happened. The alien keeps saying to him, "Are you tick or are you tock?" That is all the alien will say. The hero asks him what it means. The alien explains to him that the hero must make a decision. He tells him, "Fearing death is not the same as embracing life." The decision isn't just - to live or die (tick or tock) but the choice of which way it will be. Fearing death means to stop living and therefore the same as death. The scene has always stuck with me and the saying, "Fearing death is not the same as embracing life." I would lie if I said I didn't fear death. Even as a believer in God and heaven. I don't want to die.
I look at my kids and I worry for them and my husband (who lost his mother when he was 15, to cancer). I promised them I was never going to leave them. I have a promise to keep. So, embracing life it is. I am not sure how I am going to go about it. But that is my plan. My father died in September and my brother died 3 weeks ago. We all have plans and life really is too short to think about living them later.
I know how I would feel reading this, "I'm glad its not me." And its okay to feel that way. In fact, I want you to feel that way. I want to think about how you dodged that one! I would ask you to celebrate the fact that it is not you that is going through this crap. I have gone out to have my "last suppers" before my surgeries. Yeah, that sounds bad, right? I want you to go out and have a "I don't have cancer and I'm glad!" dinner! Make a toast to me and to yourselves. You have earned it! Hug your kids. Call an old friend. Watch your favorite movie. Stand with the sun on your face!
Embrace life! And don't worry too much about me. I will be okay. I always am. My grandmother says that I will always be okay (she knows there are some people that demand more worrying about than others). I will be.
I ask that you get whatever pre-screening you can to help yourself. I would like all my female friends - over 40 to tell me they get a mammogram every year without fail. If you are afraid, nervous or scared...talk to me. It isn't that bad. Gentlemen, over 50 or at risk, you know what you have to do.
And then have that "its not me" lunch, dinner or day. And enjoy it.