Can a Man & Woman (on TV) be Friends?

It is an age old question. Can a man and woman really be friends? The answer is, of course, yes. On TV it seems there is this need to push the male and female leads together in some sort of romantic way to consummate some sizzling sexual tension. But does there have to be?
Sometimes the romance works: Bones, The Mentalist and Castle. And sometimes it just makes us crazy: CSI, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Arrow, etc. You can google "sexual tension" in TV shows and find a laundry list of "will they or won't they." My point is...do they have to?
First lets talk about why, in some shows, the romance and end to sexual tension really works. In Castle the main character Richard Castle has never hidden how hot he found his muse, Kate Beckett. He often commented on how her being a "smoking hot" cop was a real turn on and she would roll her eyes. They dance around their feelings, for 4 seasons, until he tells her how he feels then she, later in the episode, realizes her feelings. Never has falling into bed felt so satisfying. In The Mentalist, Patrick Jane, after 6 seasons, confesses his love for his crime fighting partner, Teresa Lisbon, on a plane and then gets arrested by TSA. The viewer knows the anguish that Jane's character has been through (his wife and child murdered by a serial killer as well as various other love interests) and when he is standing on the plane with tears in his eyes telling Lisbon, "I love her! I love that woman in seat 3B!"...there isn't a dry eye in the house. Bones took, I can't keep count, many seasons for Booth and Brennan to make it happen. Fans, however, felt slightly robbed. They never actually showed them getting together. We already know they told each other how they felt numerous times but the usual stuff, like dead bodies, kept getting in the way. Next thing you know...Bones is pregnant! Huh? Its okay though because it works.
The reason the above romances seem to play well is because its not all about the sexual tension and romance. The characters were partners and friends and had been there for each other in a non-romantic way through many hardships. They also don't overdo anything. On The Mentalist, recently, Jane purposely sent Lisbon on a wild goose chase so that she would not be in harm's way. This made her mad because she is an FBI agent and found it unfair. It could have been written as a huge blow out, breakup, etc. There was some cold shouldering but they eventually talked it out. It is because they always talked things out in the past that this worked. She knew he was afraid of losing her and he understands she has a job but it isn't easy for him. No fighting, no drama, just working relationship things out. As do Castle & Beckett and Booth & Bones.
I find the most satisfying relationships on TV are between men and women that don't have any aspirations of romance, sexual tension or anything else - other than partnership and friendship. It works on cop shows like Blue Bloods and various Law & Order incarnations but most effectively on Sleepy Hollow. The two main characters are from different backgrounds in many ways. Ichabod Crane is a white resurrected patriot from the 1770s and Abigail Mills is a black female police officer of the 21st century. Crane's "fish out of water" needs a friend and some understanding of how the modern world works and Mills needs answers to the darkness that has crowded her life. The two characters fight side by side the forces of darkness while side swiping personal and family entanglements. Its not like a romance couldn't work. They are both attractive actors in every sense of the word but there is no need for it. They have a partnership as "witnesses" with a higher purpose to fight evil, their destiny, but they have to keep reaffirming their friendship with each other. They are keenly aware of their importance to each other and this is not just about a dispatching demons - its about friendship. Crane spent the entire first season trying to free his witch wife from purgatory and when he achieves that end, their reunion is not as satisfying as he, she or the audience would think. There is more satisfaction in watching Mills and Crane interact as friends and partners than in any romance of the long separated married couple. Crane is a man of honor and even though things have happened to shake the foundation of his marriage, he will not give up on it. Mills is there to give advice and help when she can but she doesn't trust Crane's wife all that much. As much as this bothers Crane, he knows they have a larger purpose in life and must never let anything get in the way of their friendship. At the beginning of this season they thought the evil was over and they could live "normal" lives. This proved difficult and the characters began to drift apart. Once again they had to affirm to each other that they alone are forever tied to each other in destiny and no matter what they cannot let that bond waiver. Friendships in general could benefit from their dedication to each other - much like a married couple or life partner. I believe many times we don't treat friendships like life partnerships and they are easily just let to flounder and dissipate. I enjoy watching Mills and Crane together because they are the oddest couple on TV, they are friends and that's it and that's all there ever will be. And as a viewer, it comes as a relief not to expect anything else.
I would like to see more friendships on TV between men and women rather than sexual tension. If I want sexual tension I'll watch a soap opera or Scandal. For my sci fi, cop shows, action, mystery and comedies - just let them be exactly that.

You're Married? And You're WHAT?!?!

“Life has taught us that love does not consist in gazing at each other but in looking outward together in the same direction.” ~Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

In my line of work one of the first questions I ask someone is about their marital status. About 95% are divorced and 99% are heterosexuals. In my line of work, with veterans, the military life does lead to a lot of divorces. I say 99% are heterosexuals because I don’t ask. This is not because of the military’s old “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy but because I don’t care. Really, I don’t. My question is: Why does anyone? And why does anyone care who marries who?

In 1967 the Supreme ruled that anti-miscegenation laws were unconstitutional. Yes, I had to look up the word “miscegenation” and it means the mixing of racial groups through marriage, procreating, cohabitating, etc. In the late 19^th century the laws, mostly out west, referred to Chinese immigrants that came to work on the railroads. In the south it referred, mostly, to African Americans and Caucasians. I bring this up because this was not that long ago! I was born in 1967! The computer was being born and a man was preparing to walk on the moon (1969). But laws like this make us look like…I don’t know…backwards. My best friend is married to a man from India and they live in North Carolina. The first interracial marriage in North Carolina was in 1971 and in 1977, North Carolina validated all interracial marriages deemed invalid in the past. It really wasn’t, that long ago.

I bring this up because of the issue of “Gay Marriage” that is in the press, papers, courtrooms, water coolers, blogs, posts, tweets, etc. My best friend got into an argument with her cousin over same sex marriage and she brought up the point that her marriage would have been illegal in North Carolina before 1967. To younger readers, born in late 70s and later, this whole race argument probably seems ridiculous and wonders how that could have even been an issue. I feel exactly the same way about same sex marriage. To me, it is the ultimate, “who cares?” It really does beg the question of, “why should I care?”

What is it about same sex marriage that freaks people out? Serving in the military with homosexuals doesn’t bother me or most people that serve. Everyone always knew who was gay and no one really cared as long as they did their job. The “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy was really in place to protect gays that served from homophobes that would do them harm. Most men who serve also have the caveat of, “As long as they don’t bring it to me…” That painfully shows how little straight men know of gay men. I would, of course, have to say, “What makes you think a breeder like you would be found attractive by a gay guy?” My point is not about gays in the military but about fear. For some totally unknown reason, at least to me, heterosexuals feel it is their right to decide if gays can marry. Just like it was white men who decided what races should marry. Welcome to the 1800s! How far we have come!

Oh, wait! It’s about “family values,” right? The sanctity of marriage, right? (I am not even going to touch on religion here.) Family values? I know a couple raising children, own their home, do good in their community, work full time…and are gay. Strikes at the heart of family values, you say? It wasn’t that long ago that if a woman wanted to work outside the home that is was going to cause family life upheaval. Yeah, the family values argument is total crap. I never even heard this expression until the gay marriage debate started raging out of control like a prostitute with a member of Congress. Oops, did I say that out loud?

I have been involved in the LGBT (lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender) community over the past 6 months. I was introduced to someone that produces a web series about gay men over 50 looking for love in all the wrong places. Well, that is just my TV Guide description, really it is a lot more than that (look for my next blog on the show!). Leon, who produces the show, and I often chat on Facebook about life, relationships, work, our age, etc. I talk about my husband and he talks about his. I don’t think of myself as chatting with someone who gay. I think I am chatting with another human being. Leon asked me to assist him in researching websites, blogs, etc. in the LGBT community to get publicity and attention to his show. I was happy to do it! One thing it did was really introduce me to the LGBT world. I feel they have to segregate themselves into these labels because that is what society has done. This is a “gay” web series but to me, it is just a web-series about the same things that many humans are experiencing. I don’t talk about Leon as my “gay friend.” He is just my friend. (When I am late night chatting with Leon, I do tell my husband that Leon is gay. Sigh.) I suppose I never heard of the expression LGBT because I didn’t think of someone that was L, G, B or T, as being any different than me – in the game of life.

Gay marriage. Really, what IS this about? I still don’t know. I am sure in 1967 it was thought that legalizing interracial marriage would mean the end of America. I am sure the headlines screamed about the end of the American family, way of life, sanctity of the home, communities, etc. We seem to have made it okay. We will also survive gay marriage just fine too. I look forward to the day when marriage is marriage and we are all just humans.

 

The Mid-Life Crisis

As I leap full body screaming into my “late” 40s, I am taken by the fact that I think I am in the midst of a “mid-life crisis.” I put the expression in quotes because I am not sure if the expression is even used anymore. I looked up what the expression means and I feel it applies to me 100%. It happens to men and women between their 40s and 60s and is triggered by various transitional events. When I read these events I can see why I feel this way. Although, it can be like any other affliction that I look up – I totally think I have it! To be sure, I am going through a mid-life crisis. Not necessarily because I have had deaths of close family members in the past few years, health issues, job changes or any of the other things that do apply to this, shall we say, affliction. It is because of the mere fact that there is this quiet desperation I feel because I have more time in front of me than behind me. The horrible sense of my own mortality.

As I come to this awful realization of the eternal clock ticking I need to see not only where I have been but where I am going. No, it’s more than that. It’s really – where I am now. When I was younger I had all these plans and dreams and they changed. Nothing wrong with that, I have no regrets. I have a stellar career and beautiful family. My children are my entire universe without which I would cease to exist – I adore them that much. Yet, I wonder about the life I lead and, I hate to say it, I occasionally wish I had a different life. Does that sound terrible?

I was chatting online with a friend last night and I was talking about this very concept. He and I are very different. He is 50, gay, lives in LA and in the entertainment biz but fully understands the mid-life crisis. When I asked him if anyone even uses that expression anymore, he responded, “I DO!!” Suddenly, I didn’t feel alone in these odd stirrings I feel deep inside in regard to my own life and destiny. I mentioned to him about how I think about what I would take with me if I fell off the grid or was on my own. What would I take in a back pack if I had to just take off…  I know exactly where I would go too. I would find a village in the UK and have a small room to myself and write. Perhaps I would work at a local pub for some money or play the ukulele and sing in the evenings. I know, such bizarre thoughts and even more bizarre that I have it so worked out. Such is the curse of having a vivid imagination. It sounds absolutely awful doesn’t it? That I would even think about running away from home? At my age? When I mention this to my friend he says that has also thought about going “underground.” I was pretty surprised considering he has, what I think is, a dream life being an actor, producer, writer and living his dream. And it was always my dream too. Neither one of us is EVER going to do this but it was comforting to know that I am not the only one.

I continue to wonder about my life. Yes, it is great. Yes, I am successful. Yes, I want for nothing on this earth. Yet, yet, I think about another life. I wonder if I can have both the life I currently have and the life I think I should have. I should be a screenwriter! I have sent my work to close friends and have read them aloud to my husband and kids and they think they are great. Even those that I thought we be hard critics like my work…but I want more. I want to see my name up there during the beginning theme music and know what that feels like. I am like a child watching my favorite show and wishing I was acting on it or practicing my Oscar acceptance speech in the shower…somehow I think these ideas never go away, they just lie dormant. Occasionally the mid-life crisis is referred to as a “second childhood.” I am not sure what that means exactly... I never partied or did anything crazy in my youth because I have, essentially, been a grown up since I was about 8. I am the responsible one, the grown up one, the reliable one, etc. I am pretty tired of that burden.

I feel bad because I do want to be famous and I should be happy with what I have (I always preach that to my kids). But it’s not enough for me. Not now. I know this is just a phase. Like being a teenager and it will go away or I will grow out of it but I am, occasionally, filled with sadness that I ask the question, “Is this all there is?” and await an answer.  

The Myth of Family

I am beginning to think that the concept of family is a myth. Correction: the concept of extended family is a myth. I have my husband and my kids and my mom. It pretty much stops there. I moved to the crap hole known as New Jersey so that I could be near my family and extended family. Shortly after moving there my father and my brother died, within 8 months of each other. I try and keep in touch with everyone the best I can, mainly cousins. I use Facebook, send Christmas cards and emails. I really don’t know what else I can do except accept the fact that my dream of what family is supposed to be doesn’t exist. 

I had this dream that I would see my cousins all the time. I live less than 45 minutes from the epicenter of their world which is much closer than anytime in my life. I thought we would be invited to birthday parties, holiday parties, baptisms, First Communions, anniversaries, etc. Just like I have been doing to them but the invitations rarely came. I would see the postings on Facebook of my cousins’ children, the same age as mine, all gathered together hugging with broad smiles. This leaves my heart wanting and my cynicism growing. Didn’t they know I would want to be there? I tried harder when I first moved to the area but was put down for my efforts. My eldest cousin told me to not press so hard. She said it just makes everyone feel bad. She told me this every time I called her, no matter what the topic, she would press on to me to stop asking to be invited. 

Don’t worry, I’ve gotten over it, its cool. It is as it has always been, just us. My husband always comments that we need a guest room or think about when throngs of people visit us or how we can meet up with family during vacations and I have to give him the reality. No one is coming. He thinks we need to go to Florida and see our friends. I say, they can visit us. He has made many trips to Florida to see his friends – best men in our wedding, long time friends, etc. but they have never made the trip to see us. No, that’s wrong, our best man came a couple times and that was nice but I think we footed some of the bill. No, no one is coming. I have an Aunt and Uncle that lived less than 2 hours from us in Virginia, they never came to our house. Those that ever do stay with us comment on what great hosts we are. We make large breakfasts, feasts for dinner, bottles of wine flowing, fires in the back yard and seeing all the sites. But no one is going to  know it unless they come. No one comes. 

I can also begin to think that maybe its me or us. No, really, it could be. I am kind of overbearing and intimidating to people I work with and I would hate to think that I am that way to family but its possible. Nah.

I tell my husband that at the end of the day its just us. Just the 4 of us. Any vacation plans we make, room furnishings and holiday plans need to just be for us. No assumptions that we are ever going to see anyone. Nope. It makes my husband sad and he doesn’t understand it and I suspect he takes it personally. We have a great life, just the 4 of us but I wonder about my children. They never see their cousins and some day when I am gone they need to know they have family. My husband and I are older and reality is we might never see our Grandchildren. My children will live long after we are gone and they need to know family. On the bright side they do have my best friend, Evelyn and her family. My kids call her and her husband, Aunt and Uncle, and we refer to their children as cousins to mine. We make huge efforts to bridge the gaps between us in miles. When I move back to Virginia we will be only 6 hours from them. We can’t wait because I know we will see them more than my cousins that are 45 minutes away. Don’t get me wrong, I love my cousins and that will never change. I just wish I could see them more. I understand they have their own lives and own families to worry about and I am just a cousin and one of many. I cherish the childhood memories of being with them and don’t lay blame on them for this ranting. It really is me and my thoughts that the myth of family could be reality for me. 

Going Ape

The following is an excerpt from my future book, Movies with My Dad and Other Tales from a Sci Fi Life.
The Margate Twin was only open during the summer and, in a tourist town, they always had to have something playing. The $1 kid’s matinee price was priceless and what they showed were well worth the buck. My father would give my brother and me $2 each and send us to the movies. This worked well on a rainy day or a day that was just not a “beach day.” I also don't think all the movies were for him. The Margate Twin would show second run, third run and the occasional older movies like the Planet of the Apes (1968). Ah, the Planet of the Apes. About now, gentle reader, you are either saying, "ugh," "right on," or an emotion somewhere in-between. At around 7 or 8 years old the Apes movies were more than other worldly. They were amazing!

This was the early 70s and to imagine space travel like that seemed reachable. The frightening world the astronauts landed on was surreal. You knew, watching it that something was going to happen to them and it wasn’t going to be good. The landscape was absolutely desolate and creepy. The posters had the Apes on them, not so scary, but when they first appear on horseback to round the humans up, totally scary. The film angle from the point of view of the humans - seeing the net, hearing the horses, hearing the guns and seeing the hooves of the horses as the humans hid in the brush – gives me chills today. Then captured and rounded up – I was practically under my seat. Charlton Heston was already known to me as Moses, from watching the Ten Commandments on TV, but this was no Moses. His character, Taylor, was certainly tough enough and I could feel his frustration of not being able to speak. Maybe it was being a child and not being understood by adults, hard to say but I could completely understand Taylor and his need to escape. When he does finally take off out of the prison and runs through the museum, of what appears to be natural history, there is a human on display, one of his fellow astronauts. This ads to the further freakiness of the movie and my fear of being captured. When Heston speaks, the now eternal line, "Take your paws off me, you damn dirty ape," it certainly makes one take pause. The end was, of course, the big shocker - The entire time he was on Earth (sorry if I just ruined it for anyone). There were subsequent follow up movies that I enjoyed, every last bit - Beneath, Escape, Conquest and Battle For The Planet of the Apes. All of them fun for the endless pretend to play of a child.

Besides climbing from roof to roof or running through the side yards of our neighbors, the beach seemed to be the best fitting place to play Planet of the Apes. Since most of the movie is set in some kind of desert locale it was perfect. It didn't matter the time of year, the beach was fun to run on and, like in the movie, very few places to hide. There was a large concrete structure on the beach leftover from a pier, a foundation, the old boardwalk...we were never sure and we found it fun to hide behind and jump off of. We would pretend to be running from the apes or planning how to take back the Earth. Often, we would just recreate the entire movie, as much as we could, at least the outside scenes. My cousins would sometimes, once again, be sucked in. This lead to more characters like some being Cornelius or some random gorilla that was out to get us.

When I was much older and living with my father and brother, there was much excitement if there was a Planet of the Apes marathon on TV. I remember one time there was a different one on each night! We had the popcorn popping! My father would, begrudgingly, watch it with us. Since we would hold the TV hostage for the week, he had no choice. When the new movie came out in 2001, my husband and I went to see it. We were amazed by the sell-out crowd and had to see a later show. There were guys dressed in ape costumes - it was very cool. I had no idea the fervor it would bring! The movie was enjoyable. The humans were frightened, the apes were suitably scary and the plot was acceptable but it’s hard to have a Planet of the Apes movie without Roddy McDowell. No worries because there was Charlton Heston.

The Apes franchise continues and although the movies are fun and entertaining, my mind still takes me back to the Margate Twin and the days on the beach of being an astronaut.

 

Am I Worth It?

I first wrote this 2010 and it was based on this quote by Eleanor Roosevelt:
Dear Lord,
Lest I continue
My complacent way,
Help me to remember that somewhere,
Somehow out there
A man died for me today.
As long as there be war,
I then must
Ask and answer
Am I worth dying for?

When this Global War on Terrorism started the front page of every paper in America would have news of a soldier dying. Now, try and find it. Go ahead. Leaf through your paper and see if you can find their names. If it was someone that lived or graduated high school in your newspaper's readership area, then yes, you will find it on the front page. "Local Soldier Dies."

I live near a major Navy base that employs young men that do the most dangerous job in the Navy. They are Navy SEALS. Even among those of us that are also in the Navy - they stand out. They carry themselves differently, look differently and are respected differently. They are respected greatly. Because of this, the front page news is that someone that served on my base was killed. They are from this base which makes them from here. In the past month we lost three SEALS. Two of them were Chiefs. All under 30 years old. I might have known them. Seen them at the bowling alley with their family, the commissary (grocery store) or in line at the personnel department getting an ID card. It didn't hit really hard until last week.
Last Friday, a dreary drizzly day, I saw a sign that said "SEAL Memorial." I thought it was a memorial service at the Chapel. It was more than that - it was a funeral. I drove by the base Chapel on my way to work out at the gym and I saw something I will never forget. Even now I tear up at the thought.
There in front of the Chapel was a hearse and behind the hearse were eight Navy Chiefs lined up on either side of the gurney for the casket. They stood there in the steady rain, waiting. They were wearing their dress blues which looks like a black double breasted suit with a white shirt and black tie. They wore their white dress hats with black brims. In the rain. On the sleeves of their jackets were their rating badges (rank insignia patch) and they were gold. To wear gold means they have over 12 years of good conduct. On their sleeves were the gold hash marks indicating years of service. Most of them had over 4 hash marks (16 years of service). They stood in the rain doing what SEALS do. The job that no one else wants to do. The hard job.
Navy SEALS don't see the signs that say, "Bring Our Troops Home!" and think the signs refer to them. For the SEAL it's about the mission. Everyone in the Navy has a mission. But not like the SEALS. They train, eat, drink, live and die the mission. They are totally focused and doing a job. They volunteered to be SEALS and went through the hardest training the military has to offer. Most don't make through the training. Those that do - wanted it more.
Last week three Navy SEALS were remembered for their final mission. And there will be more.
We need to remember them and remain worthy.