The Mid-Life Crisis

As I leap full body screaming into my “late” 40s, I am taken by the fact that I think I am in the midst of a “mid-life crisis.” I put the expression in quotes because I am not sure if the expression is even used anymore. I looked up what the expression means and I feel it applies to me 100%. It happens to men and women between their 40s and 60s and is triggered by various transitional events. When I read these events I can see why I feel this way. Although, it can be like any other affliction that I look up – I totally think I have it! To be sure, I am going through a mid-life crisis. Not necessarily because I have had deaths of close family members in the past few years, health issues, job changes or any of the other things that do apply to this, shall we say, affliction. It is because of the mere fact that there is this quiet desperation I feel because I have more time in front of me than behind me. The horrible sense of my own mortality.

As I come to this awful realization of the eternal clock ticking I need to see not only where I have been but where I am going. No, it’s more than that. It’s really – where I am now. When I was younger I had all these plans and dreams and they changed. Nothing wrong with that, I have no regrets. I have a stellar career and beautiful family. My children are my entire universe without which I would cease to exist – I adore them that much. Yet, I wonder about the life I lead and, I hate to say it, I occasionally wish I had a different life. Does that sound terrible?

I was chatting online with a friend last night and I was talking about this very concept. He and I are very different. He is 50, gay, lives in LA and in the entertainment biz but fully understands the mid-life crisis. When I asked him if anyone even uses that expression anymore, he responded, “I DO!!” Suddenly, I didn’t feel alone in these odd stirrings I feel deep inside in regard to my own life and destiny. I mentioned to him about how I think about what I would take with me if I fell off the grid or was on my own. What would I take in a back pack if I had to just take off…  I know exactly where I would go too. I would find a village in the UK and have a small room to myself and write. Perhaps I would work at a local pub for some money or play the ukulele and sing in the evenings. I know, such bizarre thoughts and even more bizarre that I have it so worked out. Such is the curse of having a vivid imagination. It sounds absolutely awful doesn’t it? That I would even think about running away from home? At my age? When I mention this to my friend he says that has also thought about going “underground.” I was pretty surprised considering he has, what I think is, a dream life being an actor, producer, writer and living his dream. And it was always my dream too. Neither one of us is EVER going to do this but it was comforting to know that I am not the only one.

I continue to wonder about my life. Yes, it is great. Yes, I am successful. Yes, I want for nothing on this earth. Yet, yet, I think about another life. I wonder if I can have both the life I currently have and the life I think I should have. I should be a screenwriter! I have sent my work to close friends and have read them aloud to my husband and kids and they think they are great. Even those that I thought we be hard critics like my work…but I want more. I want to see my name up there during the beginning theme music and know what that feels like. I am like a child watching my favorite show and wishing I was acting on it or practicing my Oscar acceptance speech in the shower…somehow I think these ideas never go away, they just lie dormant. Occasionally the mid-life crisis is referred to as a “second childhood.” I am not sure what that means exactly... I never partied or did anything crazy in my youth because I have, essentially, been a grown up since I was about 8. I am the responsible one, the grown up one, the reliable one, etc. I am pretty tired of that burden.

I feel bad because I do want to be famous and I should be happy with what I have (I always preach that to my kids). But it’s not enough for me. Not now. I know this is just a phase. Like being a teenager and it will go away or I will grow out of it but I am, occasionally, filled with sadness that I ask the question, “Is this all there is?” and await an answer.