Dear Jack

“I walked out this morning and I wrote down this song
I just can't remember who to send it to…” – James Taylor

Dear Jack,

I know it seems strange I am writing you a letter but there is just too much to say staring at your ashes. It struck me the other day, like an anvil across the temple, that I will be 49 in February and for the first time you will not be older than me. I never really thought much about it as the 2 ½ years have moved through the cosmos since your death but now as I get older…you do not.

I still see things that make me want to call you. An obscure science fiction reference, a bar or just a childhood memory brings you into full view and you are not there. In some ways I am still mad at you for leaving me. I always knew Dad wouldn’t be here forever but I thought you and I would see it through until our natural ends. A couple old farts laughing at our own in jokes. Using our own “twin speak” to communicate, as we always had. With you and Dad gone…who else knew me as well? The three of us and banging around South Jersey or up to Philly to see family…we had our own way. Remember when Dad’s Volkswagen square back was our shuttle craft? Of course you do! And you always sat in the front seat or as my kids call it, “shotgun.” I think about us playing Star Trek or Planet of the Apes on the beach. Especially in the winter with the stark barren landscape it made for wonderful alien planets. I got out our Christmas stuff yesterday and found your stocking. The one Mom made you. She made us both stockings but I can’t find mine. Yours floated to the surface and smacked me in the face. Your memory is inescapable. Isn’t that what we all want? I know Dad’s biggest fear was that no one would remember him. What was yours?

I thought you might get married and have kids. Don’t laugh! It was possible. Anything would have been possible for you if you wanted to do it. Of this I am sure. I am also mad because you didn’t have kids. I feel cheated out of a niece or nephew that would have had your eyes or smile or humor. I have wonderful surrogate ones that I love like my own but you still cheated me out of your kids. Now I sound angry and if you were reading this you would start to get pissed. Sorry. But it’s how I feel. You thought I squandered my degree from Temple by working as a waitress or mall rat or any number of jobs. I think you squandered the life you had left. And I’m mad about it. Get over it.

I play the ukulele now. I started on that Martin that was abandoned in the garage in Margate. Yeah, yeah, I’m sure it was yours once. I know you would get a kick out of it. Me playing and posting videos on YouTube. I wonder what nick-name you would give me. I could think of one but I know you would be much cleverer about it. I think about how we could be playing and singing together and, I’m sure, laughing about it. I have been working on “Wish You Were Here.” That was our song that we would sing together every time you brought out your guitar. It takes on new meaning to me now. Oh, how I wish you were here. I make these crazy memes and post them on Facebook. I think about how some of them no one gets but me and maybe you. It’s hard to lose someone like that. Someone that gets you.

I met Elena. She was pretty cool. She wasn’t what I imagined, not your usual type but I liked her. I think about how you could have brought her around to a family function or I could have met you both for a drink and that we would have gotten along great. I think the family would have loved her. I think we could have been friends. She had a kind open face and I wept when she handed me your ashes. I asked if she had a minute and she just sat there as I sobbed over missing you so much. I told her a few stories of our family and how even though you didn’t want me to have the ashes…I would have talked you into it or you would have yielded.

You would love little bill’s YouTube adventures. He is so funny! He makes up songs, scenes and wanted a laptop to video edit. I wish you were here to ask about it. Trinity wanted a laptop to play games. I wish you were here to ask about it.

I miss you and I always will and no matter what happened towards the end that made you hate me…I wish you didn’t. I wish you would not have had me banned from the hospital. I would have come if I was in better health and just busted in there. I would have forgiven you and you would not have to forgive me for anything. The forgiving is mine to do. I don’t forgive you for leaving me and how you exited…too young. I looked at a picture from Grandma and Grandpa’s 50^th anniversary at camp. You, me, Roger, Mom, Grandma and Grandpa. Me and Mom are the only ones left. Sobering, I know. Same with my wedding pictures. Me and Bill with his Dad and his three Aunts, Mom, Dad and Roger. Me, Bill and Mom remain. Such is the life of getting older I suppose. But I feel awfully young to have so much loss.

I know you hate when people feel sorry for themselves and I don’t really. At least I don’t try to dwell on it…it’s just the way it is sometimes. The kids want to have some kind of service for you in Vernon Center. They feel you need to be with Grandpa, Grandma and Roger and I agree. We need closure. I hardly heard from anyone when you died except for the Kirk side of the family. Complete silence from other camps but I don’t care. Everyone thought I was mad at you and I was and I suppose I said some mean things about you too. For that, I am sorry. I was hurt and so were you by all that happened and in the end only you and I know exactly what went down when Dad moved to Virginia. Maybe now that I have your ashes and we can plan something…the healing can begin. For me, Mom, Elena, the kids, family, friends…and all those you left behind.

You don’t have to worry about no one remembering you. I always will. I will think of you when I go see Star Wars next month. I will think of you when I see James Bond next week. I will reminisce about us riding our bikes up to Margate Twin to see Planet of the Apes or the Pink Panther movies and wonder if we would still get the biggest size of popcorn they had…and share it.

Love your sis,

Sally

xoxo

Say Goodbye

I suppose saying that I don't like goodbyes is kind of odd. Is there anyone that does? Maybe to say I don't like them is not really it. I don't do goodbyes. When my daughter was 18 months old and someone would say, "Goodbye," she would respond, "No bye byes!" and run away. I imagine she thought that if she didn't say "goodbye" the person would stay. I wish that were true.
I am probably the worst at saying goodbye. I will go to a party at someone's house and sneak out before it is over. I won't even say goodbye to the host. Rude? Probably. Goodbyes take so long at things like parties and family events. It can turn into a half and hour of hugging and kissing. I just want to leave. I remember the last time I saw my Grandmother she said goodbye to me like she was going to see me the next day. I think she understood that there is no reason to make a big deal out of things like that. For me, maybe its just selfish. I want to sneak out and not a big fuss made and certainly don't want anyone to keep me from leaving.
I can't put my finger on why I am like this. The "no bye bye" attitude I have. I have been like this as long as I can remember. Perhaps it's because I discovered early on that people do leave and things don't remain the same. And some people and things don't come back. My Grandmother said something very profound once, "Nothing is permanent." Seems like a small statement but holds huge truth to me. She lived to be 98 years old and had buried her parents, a child, her husband and a grandchild. Of course there were many more that preceded her but she never dwelled on it. Not once.
Even though I don't like goodbyes I always seem to be the one who is leaving. I counted up that before age 40 I worked about 20 jobs, been to 7 schools and called 12 dwellings "home." Yes, there is no moss on this rolling stone but at the same time I think about people that lived on the same street their entire lives and admire it.
Yes, I am the one who leaves and that does make things easier, for me. The ones left behind are the always the ones that have an empty space of where I once sat, drive by a house I once lived and a voice that is no longer there. I am also the one less likely to show up at my own going away luncheon. I just want to leave. Selfish. I know. Just say goodbye to me like you do every time we part. Like you will see me later and I am okay with that.
Lately, I have been the one left behind. My Father, Brother and Grandmother all left me in the past 3 years. Childhood homes sold. Memories seemingly changed, altered, erased...I'm not sure how to describe it. With these people and places gone there are no new memories, just old ones. I am starting to embrace that nothing is permanent. I am selling things to make room for new interests. I am playing an instrument and thinking of working on a language. I am writing. I am looking at my children and wondering about how many goodbyes they will face. My son will hug me and cry that he never wants me to die. I know, I don't want to say goodbye either.
I deeply consider my own mortality. Its almost as if death is something we are just waiting for and fill it up with things to do until then. I guess that is basically as true as it can be. In the mean time I will fill it up with the laughter of my children, the caress of my husband, the hugs of family, the beauty in nature, the banter of my co-workers and the music that I am creating because goodbye can come at any time. For any of us. For all of us.

Regular Girls

On a recent summer vacation I found myself sitting on a dock watching boats coming and going. It seemed every other boat was a pontoon boat and it was filled a dozen teenagers. They would pile out of the boat, like clowns out of a Volkswagen at the circus, and I would catch sight of them, the regular girls. There they were of all shapes and sizes wearing bikinis, giggling, taking selfies and nudging each other. Tagging behind would be parents or several boys that may have been relatives or even boyfriends but it was hard to say. I watched them with a sigh and thought about how wonderful it must be to be one of them, one of the regular girls. They appeared so normal and girl like. They pulled their hair up into pony tails as they approached the little store that sold ice cream and continued the giggling. Who are these "regular girls" that I mention? If I was my 15 year old self sitting on the dock in my shorts and my "I'm with stupid" t-shirt, I would have scoffed at them. I would have thought they were just some mindless idiots who were pretty and popular or at the very least fit in. I thought that about my classmates in high school. The ones who talked about make up and who tried to get away with wearing nail polish or the wrong shoes with the their uniforms. They would get detention for such acts and I thought they were stupid but really they were asserting their individuality more than I was. I really wanted to fit in and be one of them. I suppose I owe them all an apology. They are all remarkable women.
Now, I watch and envy the regular girls. I envy their youth and lively beauty. That is not saying they are all classically beautiful or all should be wearing bikinis but they are young and hopeful. That is more than I can say I am or maybe more than I ever was. I think about what I would say to my 15 year old self if she were sitting next to me watching those regular girls. I would be looking at my sulking face and know that I was thinking of the unfairness of the world. I would have been thinking about how skinny and awkward I was and how I could never be one of them. I wish I could say to myself that it is going to get better and that those regular girls have the same fears and doubts that I do but I doubt I would listen, even to myself. As I watch the regular girls go by I want to shout to them that they have their whole lives in front of them and it can be spectacular. I watch my own daughter fishing off the dock and tell her she is beautiful. She responds, "I know, Mommy." But does she really believe it? I never thought I would want my children to fit in and be like everyone else but I do. I suppose that sounds awful but I want them to avoid the pain of not fitting in. I know they will be fine because they are a lot more well adjusted than I was as a child and maybe even more than I am now.
The regular girls giggle back to their pontoon boat and swing their hair over their shoulders and smile. I wave and they wave back.

Solving Crimes the Old Fashioned Way

I have stumbled upon a recent trend, or at least recent to me, of crime drama, detective drama, sleuthing television shows set in an era without DNA results, maspectrometers or anything else we now expect to solve crimes. I have wondered why this is trend and I believe I know.

When CSI (Vegas) premiered over 15 years ago, it set into motion the “CSI effect” with juries all over the country. Today’s savvy jury member holds the prosecution accountable for solving crimes with forensic science and all the other devices that appear in the subsequent crime solving shows like the CSI sequels, Bones and NCIS incarnations. The prosecution obviously has access to all this technology and therefore should have an iron clad case and that is not always so. Are we now over stimulated with all this? Is there nothing new that forensic science can bring us other than TV shows making up their own devices? That would be called science fiction. With those questions in mind and all that being said – where is there to go to make it interesting to watch? Only one place. The past.

I found myself watching these shows set in the past and didn’t even realize what the appeal was except it is the appeal that Sherlock and Elementary have – crime solving with actual deduction rather than technology.

Murdoch Mysteries (The Artful Detective) set in early 1900s (Toronto), Ripper Street set in 1889 (London), The Pinkertons set in 1860s (American West) and Miss Fisher’s Murder Mysteries set in 1929 (Melbourne) all have this appeal of the past. The advantage these shows also have is history. They can delve into actual cases and historical events to move a plot line along. There is some basic fingerprinting methods, autopsy results and microscope usage but that is not the answer to everything instead it is what is used to back up theories of the crime. How these lead characters solve crimes is often looked at with confusion and even dismissed by fellow law enforcement types and even lawyers because it is new and unusual thinking and fledgling forensic methods.

Murdoch Mysteries, in its 8^th season, also known as The Artful Detective in the U.S., follows Detective William Murdoch in Toronto and often delves into the history of the times. This history is very important especially when it touches on the temperance movement, women’s suffrage and the progress that arrives in the way of the automobile and even wiring homes for electricity. There are also visits from President Roosevelt, Mark Twain and even Sir Arthur Conan Doyle to move along a plot line. The writers have fun with Murdoch and his odd ways of solving crimes and interacting with others. There is an episode where Doyle decides Murdoch can solve crimes brilliantly but would not be an appealing character for his next book or the episode where Murdoch has gained such notoriety as a crime solver that he has his own fan club. The fun of the show is the crime solving and how Murdoch’s “Holmes” like mind bends things around.

Ripper Street, in its 3^rd season, is set the year after the unsolved Jack the Ripper murders, Detective Inspector Edmund Reid of the H Division of White Chapel and his department is still under scrutiny over the case never being solved.  This show has a lot more drama than the others with a multitude of characters and intertwined relationships. There is, of course, a murder or some other bad event that must be solved. Reid has a keen sense of people and can read them easily, skills which serve him well as he delves into the ultra-seedy neighborhood he works in. He is obviously educated and well brought up and tries to keep himself above the cruel experiences he endures. This is a dark serial series but one that has appeal for the same reasons as the others.

The Pinkertons follows members of the Pinkerton Detective Agency founded by Alan Pinkerton in 1850 and is set in the American West in the early 1860s. Alan Pinkerton’s son and a female detective run the operation out of a mining town. These Pinkerton detectives solve crimes like murder, robbery and corporate espionage. The female detective is the one with the cool head for solving crimes and does the basic forensic work that was available for the times. The show has only been on one season and in spite of what the Pinkerton name eventually meant (as they turned into and were famous for as strike breakers, union infiltrators and as security for mines and factories) the show has potential for more crime solving of the old west.  (There is a Pinkerton in Ripper Street that is an unsavory character with more than questionable morals for a law man).

I could surely write a much longer post if I were to delve fully into Miss Fisher’s Murder Mysteries, in its 3^rd season. Never has sleuthing been so much fun! This show follows the Honorable Phryne Fisher, “lady detective” and Detective Inspector Jack Robinson as they solve murders in all walks of society. Miss Fisher is also surrounded by a cast of characters, reminiscent of Holmes and his Baker Street Irregulars, who assist her in her crime solving. This is also a time when the “modern woman” of post war Europe was coming into her own with driving a car, having her own money and knowing her own mind. The men she is surrounded by must often bow down to her overbearing insistence of being correct about a person or a case. What other’s chalk up to “woman’s intuition,” we can chalk up to Miss Fisher’s intelligence as well as her skilled way of reading people. Her partnership with Robinson is also fun to watch. As others are shocked by Miss Fisher’s promiscuity, mindfulness and devil may care attitude, Robinson rolls his eyes and just continues talking. The phone will ring at the station house and he will be told its Miss Fisher on the line, his response, “Is someone dead yet?” She seems to have this uncanny way of showing up at a crime scene and taking it over. This show is a pure delight and just ran its third season in Australia.

Perhaps delving into crime solving of the past connects us more with the human element that we like to see in any good TV series. With people spending most of their time staring at screens of all sizes, we are losing the human connection with each other. I believe it is this human connection that will bring us justice or save us from injustice. Give me a sharp mind over a sharp piece of tech any day.

A Case for Forever

I have a few new favorite shows this TV season but one of my favorites is Forever (Tuesday on ABC). Starring Ioan Gruffudd (Fantastic 4) as a man who, basically, lives forever. Like the Highlander (TV show/movies) this affords the stories to be told through current action and flashbacks as a man out of time who has to reconcile such a long and difficult existence. In present day New York City, Gruffudd plays Dr. Henry Morgan, an NYPD coroner who appears to have a keen sense of what kills everyone that lies on the morgue tables. Henry has been a medical doctor in previous “lifetimes” and uses his lifetime of knowledge to solve crimes with his, crime fighting, partner Detective Jo Martinez played by Alana De La Garza (Law & Order). The cast is completed with other steady working actors that bring their strong acting to the show like Judd Hirsch, Joel David Moore (Bones), Lorraine Toussaint (Orange is the New Black) and Donnie Keshawarz (Damages). The premise seems formulated at best but the ensemble of actors created and the clever flashbacks make Forever a worthwhile viewing pursuit.

Gruffudd carries the show and is well flanked by Hirsch who plays Henry’s adopted son, Abraham. They have an amazing chemistry that even though the age difference has the appearance of the opposite relationship, it is clear to see Abraham’s love and protection of the man that raised him. Abraham was found by Henry and his, then wife, at the liberation of a Nazi Concentration Camp. Henry and his wife raised Abraham as their own with no secrets being kept about Henry’s past. There are many flashbacks to many aspects of Henry’s life including the late 1800s, 1920s, WWII, 1950s, Vietnam, etc. as well as a poignant episode of Henry’s wife, in the 1970s, appearing to be old enough to be his mother. The flashbacks are cleverly done and not overdone or predictable. Sometimes the present day “who done it” is easy to figure out but that’s not why I watch the show. I enjoy Henry.

Gruffudd is one of those actors that should have a show of his own and this is the perfect vehicle. He is best known for his bursting through our TVs as Horatio Hornblower in the BBC mini-series of the same name and even though he has steadily worked he is not a big star. I think the problem is that he works too well in every part he takes on. Gruffudd owns any character he plays no matter how small. His small role in Titanic is as memorable as his portrayal as Mr. Fantastic in the Fantastic 4 franchise. One could say he is a chameleon but I would rather call it – acting. His portrayal of Lancelot in King Arthur is so seamless that I completely forgot he was in it. I suppose that doesn’t seem like a compliment but it is. His passion in the role hijacked the Clive Owen vehicle and is the best part of the movie. I believe a good actor makes you believe the part he or she is playing but a great actor makes you believe he isn’t acting at all. Gruffudd is that actor.

I don’t know if Forever has been renewed but there unanswered questions about Henry Morgan that need to be addressed. I need them to be addressed and need to see more of Gruffudd do what he does so well.

Can a Man & Woman (on TV) be Friends?

It is an age old question. Can a man and woman really be friends? The answer is, of course, yes. On TV it seems there is this need to push the male and female leads together in some sort of romantic way to consummate some sizzling sexual tension. But does there have to be?
Sometimes the romance works: Bones, The Mentalist and Castle. And sometimes it just makes us crazy: CSI, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Arrow, etc. You can google "sexual tension" in TV shows and find a laundry list of "will they or won't they." My point is...do they have to?
First lets talk about why, in some shows, the romance and end to sexual tension really works. In Castle the main character Richard Castle has never hidden how hot he found his muse, Kate Beckett. He often commented on how her being a "smoking hot" cop was a real turn on and she would roll her eyes. They dance around their feelings, for 4 seasons, until he tells her how he feels then she, later in the episode, realizes her feelings. Never has falling into bed felt so satisfying. In The Mentalist, Patrick Jane, after 6 seasons, confesses his love for his crime fighting partner, Teresa Lisbon, on a plane and then gets arrested by TSA. The viewer knows the anguish that Jane's character has been through (his wife and child murdered by a serial killer as well as various other love interests) and when he is standing on the plane with tears in his eyes telling Lisbon, "I love her! I love that woman in seat 3B!"...there isn't a dry eye in the house. Bones took, I can't keep count, many seasons for Booth and Brennan to make it happen. Fans, however, felt slightly robbed. They never actually showed them getting together. We already know they told each other how they felt numerous times but the usual stuff, like dead bodies, kept getting in the way. Next thing you know...Bones is pregnant! Huh? Its okay though because it works.
The reason the above romances seem to play well is because its not all about the sexual tension and romance. The characters were partners and friends and had been there for each other in a non-romantic way through many hardships. They also don't overdo anything. On The Mentalist, recently, Jane purposely sent Lisbon on a wild goose chase so that she would not be in harm's way. This made her mad because she is an FBI agent and found it unfair. It could have been written as a huge blow out, breakup, etc. There was some cold shouldering but they eventually talked it out. It is because they always talked things out in the past that this worked. She knew he was afraid of losing her and he understands she has a job but it isn't easy for him. No fighting, no drama, just working relationship things out. As do Castle & Beckett and Booth & Bones.
I find the most satisfying relationships on TV are between men and women that don't have any aspirations of romance, sexual tension or anything else - other than partnership and friendship. It works on cop shows like Blue Bloods and various Law & Order incarnations but most effectively on Sleepy Hollow. The two main characters are from different backgrounds in many ways. Ichabod Crane is a white resurrected patriot from the 1770s and Abigail Mills is a black female police officer of the 21st century. Crane's "fish out of water" needs a friend and some understanding of how the modern world works and Mills needs answers to the darkness that has crowded her life. The two characters fight side by side the forces of darkness while side swiping personal and family entanglements. Its not like a romance couldn't work. They are both attractive actors in every sense of the word but there is no need for it. They have a partnership as "witnesses" with a higher purpose to fight evil, their destiny, but they have to keep reaffirming their friendship with each other. They are keenly aware of their importance to each other and this is not just about a dispatching demons - its about friendship. Crane spent the entire first season trying to free his witch wife from purgatory and when he achieves that end, their reunion is not as satisfying as he, she or the audience would think. There is more satisfaction in watching Mills and Crane interact as friends and partners than in any romance of the long separated married couple. Crane is a man of honor and even though things have happened to shake the foundation of his marriage, he will not give up on it. Mills is there to give advice and help when she can but she doesn't trust Crane's wife all that much. As much as this bothers Crane, he knows they have a larger purpose in life and must never let anything get in the way of their friendship. At the beginning of this season they thought the evil was over and they could live "normal" lives. This proved difficult and the characters began to drift apart. Once again they had to affirm to each other that they alone are forever tied to each other in destiny and no matter what they cannot let that bond waiver. Friendships in general could benefit from their dedication to each other - much like a married couple or life partner. I believe many times we don't treat friendships like life partnerships and they are easily just let to flounder and dissipate. I enjoy watching Mills and Crane together because they are the oddest couple on TV, they are friends and that's it and that's all there ever will be. And as a viewer, it comes as a relief not to expect anything else.
I would like to see more friendships on TV between men and women rather than sexual tension. If I want sexual tension I'll watch a soap opera or Scandal. For my sci fi, cop shows, action, mystery and comedies - just let them be exactly that.

You're Married? And You're WHAT?!?!

“Life has taught us that love does not consist in gazing at each other but in looking outward together in the same direction.” ~Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

In my line of work one of the first questions I ask someone is about their marital status. About 95% are divorced and 99% are heterosexuals. In my line of work, with veterans, the military life does lead to a lot of divorces. I say 99% are heterosexuals because I don’t ask. This is not because of the military’s old “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy but because I don’t care. Really, I don’t. My question is: Why does anyone? And why does anyone care who marries who?

In 1967 the Supreme ruled that anti-miscegenation laws were unconstitutional. Yes, I had to look up the word “miscegenation” and it means the mixing of racial groups through marriage, procreating, cohabitating, etc. In the late 19^th century the laws, mostly out west, referred to Chinese immigrants that came to work on the railroads. In the south it referred, mostly, to African Americans and Caucasians. I bring this up because this was not that long ago! I was born in 1967! The computer was being born and a man was preparing to walk on the moon (1969). But laws like this make us look like…I don’t know…backwards. My best friend is married to a man from India and they live in North Carolina. The first interracial marriage in North Carolina was in 1971 and in 1977, North Carolina validated all interracial marriages deemed invalid in the past. It really wasn’t, that long ago.

I bring this up because of the issue of “Gay Marriage” that is in the press, papers, courtrooms, water coolers, blogs, posts, tweets, etc. My best friend got into an argument with her cousin over same sex marriage and she brought up the point that her marriage would have been illegal in North Carolina before 1967. To younger readers, born in late 70s and later, this whole race argument probably seems ridiculous and wonders how that could have even been an issue. I feel exactly the same way about same sex marriage. To me, it is the ultimate, “who cares?” It really does beg the question of, “why should I care?”

What is it about same sex marriage that freaks people out? Serving in the military with homosexuals doesn’t bother me or most people that serve. Everyone always knew who was gay and no one really cared as long as they did their job. The “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy was really in place to protect gays that served from homophobes that would do them harm. Most men who serve also have the caveat of, “As long as they don’t bring it to me…” That painfully shows how little straight men know of gay men. I would, of course, have to say, “What makes you think a breeder like you would be found attractive by a gay guy?” My point is not about gays in the military but about fear. For some totally unknown reason, at least to me, heterosexuals feel it is their right to decide if gays can marry. Just like it was white men who decided what races should marry. Welcome to the 1800s! How far we have come!

Oh, wait! It’s about “family values,” right? The sanctity of marriage, right? (I am not even going to touch on religion here.) Family values? I know a couple raising children, own their home, do good in their community, work full time…and are gay. Strikes at the heart of family values, you say? It wasn’t that long ago that if a woman wanted to work outside the home that is was going to cause family life upheaval. Yeah, the family values argument is total crap. I never even heard this expression until the gay marriage debate started raging out of control like a prostitute with a member of Congress. Oops, did I say that out loud?

I have been involved in the LGBT (lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender) community over the past 6 months. I was introduced to someone that produces a web series about gay men over 50 looking for love in all the wrong places. Well, that is just my TV Guide description, really it is a lot more than that (look for my next blog on the show!). Leon, who produces the show, and I often chat on Facebook about life, relationships, work, our age, etc. I talk about my husband and he talks about his. I don’t think of myself as chatting with someone who gay. I think I am chatting with another human being. Leon asked me to assist him in researching websites, blogs, etc. in the LGBT community to get publicity and attention to his show. I was happy to do it! One thing it did was really introduce me to the LGBT world. I feel they have to segregate themselves into these labels because that is what society has done. This is a “gay” web series but to me, it is just a web-series about the same things that many humans are experiencing. I don’t talk about Leon as my “gay friend.” He is just my friend. (When I am late night chatting with Leon, I do tell my husband that Leon is gay. Sigh.) I suppose I never heard of the expression LGBT because I didn’t think of someone that was L, G, B or T, as being any different than me – in the game of life.

Gay marriage. Really, what IS this about? I still don’t know. I am sure in 1967 it was thought that legalizing interracial marriage would mean the end of America. I am sure the headlines screamed about the end of the American family, way of life, sanctity of the home, communities, etc. We seem to have made it okay. We will also survive gay marriage just fine too. I look forward to the day when marriage is marriage and we are all just humans.

 

The Mid-Life Crisis

As I leap full body screaming into my “late” 40s, I am taken by the fact that I think I am in the midst of a “mid-life crisis.” I put the expression in quotes because I am not sure if the expression is even used anymore. I looked up what the expression means and I feel it applies to me 100%. It happens to men and women between their 40s and 60s and is triggered by various transitional events. When I read these events I can see why I feel this way. Although, it can be like any other affliction that I look up – I totally think I have it! To be sure, I am going through a mid-life crisis. Not necessarily because I have had deaths of close family members in the past few years, health issues, job changes or any of the other things that do apply to this, shall we say, affliction. It is because of the mere fact that there is this quiet desperation I feel because I have more time in front of me than behind me. The horrible sense of my own mortality.

As I come to this awful realization of the eternal clock ticking I need to see not only where I have been but where I am going. No, it’s more than that. It’s really – where I am now. When I was younger I had all these plans and dreams and they changed. Nothing wrong with that, I have no regrets. I have a stellar career and beautiful family. My children are my entire universe without which I would cease to exist – I adore them that much. Yet, I wonder about the life I lead and, I hate to say it, I occasionally wish I had a different life. Does that sound terrible?

I was chatting online with a friend last night and I was talking about this very concept. He and I are very different. He is 50, gay, lives in LA and in the entertainment biz but fully understands the mid-life crisis. When I asked him if anyone even uses that expression anymore, he responded, “I DO!!” Suddenly, I didn’t feel alone in these odd stirrings I feel deep inside in regard to my own life and destiny. I mentioned to him about how I think about what I would take with me if I fell off the grid or was on my own. What would I take in a back pack if I had to just take off…  I know exactly where I would go too. I would find a village in the UK and have a small room to myself and write. Perhaps I would work at a local pub for some money or play the ukulele and sing in the evenings. I know, such bizarre thoughts and even more bizarre that I have it so worked out. Such is the curse of having a vivid imagination. It sounds absolutely awful doesn’t it? That I would even think about running away from home? At my age? When I mention this to my friend he says that has also thought about going “underground.” I was pretty surprised considering he has, what I think is, a dream life being an actor, producer, writer and living his dream. And it was always my dream too. Neither one of us is EVER going to do this but it was comforting to know that I am not the only one.

I continue to wonder about my life. Yes, it is great. Yes, I am successful. Yes, I want for nothing on this earth. Yet, yet, I think about another life. I wonder if I can have both the life I currently have and the life I think I should have. I should be a screenwriter! I have sent my work to close friends and have read them aloud to my husband and kids and they think they are great. Even those that I thought we be hard critics like my work…but I want more. I want to see my name up there during the beginning theme music and know what that feels like. I am like a child watching my favorite show and wishing I was acting on it or practicing my Oscar acceptance speech in the shower…somehow I think these ideas never go away, they just lie dormant. Occasionally the mid-life crisis is referred to as a “second childhood.” I am not sure what that means exactly... I never partied or did anything crazy in my youth because I have, essentially, been a grown up since I was about 8. I am the responsible one, the grown up one, the reliable one, etc. I am pretty tired of that burden.

I feel bad because I do want to be famous and I should be happy with what I have (I always preach that to my kids). But it’s not enough for me. Not now. I know this is just a phase. Like being a teenager and it will go away or I will grow out of it but I am, occasionally, filled with sadness that I ask the question, “Is this all there is?” and await an answer.