I suppose saying that I don't like goodbyes is kind of odd. Is there anyone that does? Maybe to say I don't like them is not really it. I don't do goodbyes. When my daughter was 18 months old and someone would say, "Goodbye," she would respond, "No bye byes!" and run away. I imagine she thought that if she didn't say "goodbye" the person would stay. I wish that were true.
I am probably the worst at saying goodbye. I will go to a party at someone's house and sneak out before it is over. I won't even say goodbye to the host. Rude? Probably. Goodbyes take so long at things like parties and family events. It can turn into a half and hour of hugging and kissing. I just want to leave. I remember the last time I saw my Grandmother she said goodbye to me like she was going to see me the next day. I think she understood that there is no reason to make a big deal out of things like that. For me, maybe its just selfish. I want to sneak out and not a big fuss made and certainly don't want anyone to keep me from leaving.
I can't put my finger on why I am like this. The "no bye bye" attitude I have. I have been like this as long as I can remember. Perhaps it's because I discovered early on that people do leave and things don't remain the same. And some people and things don't come back. My Grandmother said something very profound once, "Nothing is permanent." Seems like a small statement but holds huge truth to me. She lived to be 98 years old and had buried her parents, a child, her husband and a grandchild. Of course there were many more that preceded her but she never dwelled on it. Not once.
Even though I don't like goodbyes I always seem to be the one who is leaving. I counted up that before age 40 I worked about 20 jobs, been to 7 schools and called 12 dwellings "home." Yes, there is no moss on this rolling stone but at the same time I think about people that lived on the same street their entire lives and admire it.
Yes, I am the one who leaves and that does make things easier, for me. The ones left behind are the always the ones that have an empty space of where I once sat, drive by a house I once lived and a voice that is no longer there. I am also the one less likely to show up at my own going away luncheon. I just want to leave. Selfish. I know. Just say goodbye to me like you do every time we part. Like you will see me later and I am okay with that.
Lately, I have been the one left behind. My Father, Brother and Grandmother all left me in the past 3 years. Childhood homes sold. Memories seemingly changed, altered, erased...I'm not sure how to describe it. With these people and places gone there are no new memories, just old ones. I am starting to embrace that nothing is permanent. I am selling things to make room for new interests. I am playing an instrument and thinking of working on a language. I am writing. I am looking at my children and wondering about how many goodbyes they will face. My son will hug me and cry that he never wants me to die. I know, I don't want to say goodbye either.
I deeply consider my own mortality. Its almost as if death is something we are just waiting for and fill it up with things to do until then. I guess that is basically as true as it can be. In the mean time I will fill it up with the laughter of my children, the caress of my husband, the hugs of family, the beauty in nature, the banter of my co-workers and the music that I am creating because goodbye can come at any time. For any of us. For all of us.
