Which One Am I?

“There are only three ages for women in Hollywood - Babe, District Attorney, and Driving Miss Daisy.” Goldie Hawn, First Wives Club

I love that quote and 20 years ago when I first heard it, at age 29, I thought it was pretty funny. Now, I find it disconcerting. At 49, I find I’m teetering on the edge of DA and Miss Daisy. In my, case it’s probably more like Side-kick, Crazy Aunt and Demented Mom/Grandmom. This makes things difficult as a writer when I want every heroine to be played by me – when the movie is made. I always imagined Demi Moore would play me in the movie of my life or Courtney Cox, depending on the budget. Yikes. They aren’t looking too good either.

It’s been said that age is just a state of mind. Well, my state is ever expanding. Today, at the local department store, I grabbed some capris to try on. I held them up and thought, “Wow, these will definitely fit, they’re huge enough.” Sob. I put them on and them quickly returned them and decided not to try on anymore. Crap. When did this happen? Then I think back to where I am in the grand scheme of “Hollywood.” Crap. I used to write my heroines to be in their late 30s, thinking I could pull that off. Most people think I am younger than 49 but in the past several years…I feel the mirror has two faces. There is my own self-image and what there really is. Getting fatter aside…I am looking older. I know I am. I have been Skyping with my kids and I can see myself on the screen and I think, “Do I really look like that?” The creeping lines under my jaw line and the neck of ages. Maybe make up can fix it. After all, Essie Davis on Miss Fisher’s Murder Mysteries is the same age I am and she’s playing someone in her early 30s. I’m thinking make-up can do the same for me.

As a writer this makes me re-think things. Perhaps, because I was making the heroine as myself, I’ve been limiting her. I don’t mean exactly like me, personality wise, but like me in look and stature. This is a hard pill to swallow. I can, of course, swallow it and embrace the edge of 50 but in my mind it is still a precipice to which I am backing away from at great haste. I guess I’m just not ready for what is coming with age - the body changes, the skin changes, the gray hairs that I make the stylist cut out (this is why my hair is so short) and so on. I don’t think I’m ready to be Martha Kent or Aunt May. I’m thinking more like a villain. That could be next in my writing. Hmmmm…villain. I can see that and how I would look in the movie.

 I would love to be one of the Avengers, Tributes or Jedi but maybe I should be happy to be Cruella DeVille.