I haven't written a post in a while and its not that I am not inspired. I am. I have had a lot of life changes over the past few months that including moving, health issues (mine and of loved ones), job changes and the usual drama of having two school age kids that are starting at a new school. So many subjects, so little time. During the holidays I would hate to write about something sad but something profoundly sad has indeed happened recently and I feel that I have to write about it above all other things. It haunts me.
Tuesday morning there was quiet crying at my kids' school from staff, parents and other people that were in and out of the office. On my way out of school I saw a priest and asked him what happened. He told me a mother of a middle schooler had passed away. I was immediately struck with sorrow over this woman's passing. Maybe it was because I have a 5th grader and I cannot imagine what something like that would do to her. I tried all day to find out what happened and even trolled Facebook and the internet with her name. At first I didn't have the right spelling but once I did, I asked a mutual friend what he had heard. He said nothing but yesterday he sent me a message with the most devastating of news.
Because this is still fresh news and not publicized, I will refer to her just as Alice. I googled Alice and found she had been a top real estate broker. Immediately images of her popped up. Her bobbed blond hair and blue eyes stared back at me. Her glistening smile and movie star quality just leapt from the screen. Then I had to think if I even met her. We are new at the school and I wasn't sure. Maybe I saw her around. The pictures show this unforgettable quality. I looked her up on Facebook and it showed her with older children and a little girl about my daughter's age. Pictures of her daughter winning a scholastic competition, trips to Disney and her real estate listings. The web had news of her success in the local real estate journal and business journal. Wow, this woman was really something and what a great life! Alice had everything to live for, at least to me but not to her.
Alice committed suicide. Our mutual Facebook friend sent me the message yesterday morning. I had just come out of store and saw it come up on my phone. He described what he knew and it was gut wrenching. I felt like Thor had just thrust his mighty hammer into my chest and I wept. I don't know why I was and still am so shaken by this. But maybe I do. I just couldn't stop crying. I drove to my mom's house and sent her an email with the message I received. I couldn't talk about it. She tried to talk to me about but I said, "I just can't." Its too much.
I have been looking everyday for news or an obituary. Something. But there's nothing. Still remains is her smiling, confident face looking back at me. I looked up the bridge she jumped from and there is forum about jumpers. Morbid as it is, I looked. On Monday morning there are descriptions of what people saw. The car, the woman with blond hair, her husband arriving on scene in disbelief. And her name. These jumps don't make the news because it is such a common bridge to jump from. It makes it all the more terrible, awful and devastating.
"Why Alice? Why did you do it? You had 3 children from middle school to college." I wish I could ask her. I wish I could ask anyone I ever knew that decided to check out on their own. I am mad at them. Mad that they left me. Mad that they didn't tell me. And, no, there were no signs from anyone I knew that ever did it. I didn't know Alice but I sat in the car thinking...
I think of this middle school girl whose mother committed suicide a month from Christmas. My daughter is in 5th grade. Terrible, awful, devastating. Now, I wish I knew Alice better. I wish I could help the family. I wish I was there for her. The guilt from a suicide never leaves those left behind. Family, friends, co-workers, acquaintances. I think it's because we really don't know. And we will never know what happened to Alice. Beautiful, blond, blue eyes, lovely family...I like to imagine that when someone commits suicide that it's because they have a mental condition and are off their meds. Sure, that HAS to be it. I think, Alice must have had a mental condition like bi-polar or depression that was well controlled and that is why she was so successful. Something happened and a switch flipped and she couldn't help herself. Maybe she got news of a terminal illness...
Why else would someone do it?
I don't know because just Alice knows. I can't know. I am just sad and want to hug my children all night...
Be at peace Alice. Sleep in heavenly peace...
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